How I Got Through My Second Birth

In last week’s blog post, I talked about postnatal and anxiety and depression, making reference to the birth of my first child, Isla back in 2014.

I’d just like to say, there’s a few sensitive issues in this post. So if you think you will feel triggered, stop reading now and look after your own mental health.

For this week’s blog post, I thought I’d talk about the pre pregnancy, pregnancy and birth of my second child Teddy after having a traumatic experience, and how I was able to get through it. So here goes…

Pre pregnancy 

Even though I wasn’t really mentally prepared to be a mum when I fell pregnant with Isla, I always knew I wanted to have two kids one day. So about 3 years after the birth of Isla, I started thinking I wanted to have another child and give Isla a sibling. However, every time I’d think of the whole pregnancy and birth again, I would get a wave of nausea, followed by panicking and flashbacks, which also led to me having frequent nightmares too. So I’d try and put the second baby thing to the back of my of mind and tell myself we were happy as a three. I’d feel ok for a few days, then I’d start feeling low because the second child thoughts were popping in my head once again! And I’d go through the same cycle again and again- it was utter torment. I spoke to Dave about it and he wasn’t completely sure about having a second child either because of what happened last time and how long it took for me to get over it. But he knew how much I was longing for another child. So we waited a few months, and I still couldn’t shake the feelings off so we decided to try for another baby. I started meditating to keep myself calm and regulate my emotions. However, month after month I was left feeling disappointed and depressed because I just couldn’t get pregnant. I was so low at this point, the choice had been taken away and I just had to accept it. I almost went back on antidepressants because my emotions were all over the place, but I resisted and just carried on meditating and exercising. A year and a half later, I still wasn’t pregnant so we decided to call it a day and started accepting our life as a 3 and we got a puppy (Rosie) to fill the void. We actually felt really happy after getting through the first month of settling Rosie into our home – I actually started feeling content with life again. And then, one month later, I fell pregnant. I couldn’t believe it! I was in utter shock and excitement all at the same time, as was Dave. Isla was over the moon and couldn’t wait to be a big sister. 

This was a difficult time to be pregnant as it was when Covid started and the Lockdowns. I think we all remember that first Lockdown, where we pretty much had to stay indoors the entire time and you could only leave your house for one walk a day. Well, with another child at home too, I found it quite tough and my anxiety levels went through the roof during this time. But part of me also felt relived because it meant I had an excuse not to go outside some much with my pregnant belly (I felt like this during the last couple of months) I was quite into meditation at this point so I would try and meditate my way through this period in between homeschooling Isla, and we would take our one walk a day with Rosie. As I was keeping quite calm through meditation, I thought I can do this, I can give birth naturally.  I read the Hypnobirthing book and did online classes. I felt like I was on top of the PTSD and anxiety, however as my due date was getting closer I started to panic daily and have reoccurring nightmares. Reluctantly, I called my midwife and told her how I was feeling and I was scheduled for a planned c section. I felt disappointed I wasn’t going to experience a natural birth but I felt it was the right thing to do. As the date of my operation got closer, I started panicking and and feeling nauseous at the thought of it. I carried on meditating which did take the edge off. 

The day of the operation 

The night before, I didn’t sleep at all. As we headed towards the hospital I remember feeling really scared, thinking the worst, but I just tried to breathe through it. I focused on the breath rather than my thoughts and it allowed me to stay calm. I said a short prayer before I went in and asked the Universe to give me strength and keep me safe. When it was my turn to go into theatre, the surgeon asked me to sit on the operating table while they gave me the spinal block, which numbed me from the waist down. When this kicked in, it was a very weird feeling – like a loss of control. (Which, I have never really been good at) but I just remember feeling really vulnerable – like the power is in their hands. The sheet went up and I tried not to look at the shadows at what they were doing because I just felt really scared. I kept breathing. I focused on breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, picturing radiant light going in and dark negative thoughts coming out. As I was doing this, I was able to control the fear somewhat. They moved me around vigorously to get the baby out, and I remember it took quite a while for the surgeon to get him out, which he later explained to me that it was because there was scar tissue everywhere from the previous section and my uterus was stuck to my bladder and he had to cut it away, which wasn’t really great to hear. Anyway, after about 20 minutes into the operation, I heard a cry and Teddy came out. They cleaned him up and wrapped him in a towel and handed him to me. I was overwhelmed with emotion and couldn’t believe he was here. I couldn’t believe this little baby boy was ours after all this time, and my family was complete. I was just cuddling him the whole time. Dave had to leave at this point as we weren’t allowed anyone on the ward due to Covid, so I stayed on my own with baby Teddy for 24 hours. I found this bit tough as I was completely alone and I couldn’t sit up to change his nappy or anything because I was still numb, so I felt a bit helpless at this point. I just remembered focus on the breath – I especially focussed on this when the pain relief had worn off, it helped me to stay rational and take my mind off the pain somewhat. Once the midwives were happy to send us home, Isla and Dave came to pick me up at the hospital and I just remember feeling on top of the world, all my anxiety had gone and it felt wonderful to be a family of 4. I remember the Disney film, Moana being on the TV when we got home and the songs in this film will always remember of this happy time in my life. I finally made it, I have the family I always dreamed of – 2 kids.

Have you ever used any coping strategies/techniques to get through a difficult time? Let me know in the comments.